The Relationships of a "Long-Term Foreigner"
Three Thanksgiving meals in three days is a bit too much gratitude. But I do feel lucky getting to spend time with these lovely people in Shanghai. 🫶
Thinking in threes, I’ve recently been ruminating about the three types of relationship that have defined my experience as a “long-term foreigner”.
1) Relationship to locals.
Integrating into local communities is the most basic aspect of life as a foreigner. And yet it’s arguably the trickiest, especially if your partner is also foreign. I’ve been better at this in the past, like when I was young and single in Japan, or when I was an office employee in Singapore. But these days I think I’ve integrated quite poorly. I have a good number of Chinese acquaintances, and I love my everyday interactions with Chinese people of all descriptions. But deep and close friendships? Not many. Not enough. I attribute this to a combination of personal factors. But I could also substitute the word “factors” for the word “excuses”. I need to make more of an effort to nurture these friendships.
2) Relationship to other foreigners.
Belonging to networks of other foreigners is another key element to this long-term lifestyle. Because it’s grounding to match your specific life experience to those around you. Simple as that. And yet what makes these friendships highest in relatability can also be what makes them highest in unpredictability. Many don’t stay in the same place for extended periods. I’m grateful to be able to travel the world and catch up with a diaspora of international friends. But that’s a luxury. The plates that need the most regular spinning are the ones belonging to this category of relationship in Shanghai.
3) Relationship to authority.
At certain points in your existence you need to butt up against the authorities. These interactions are what help you understand the wider society in which you live. And how welcome you are. And what particular combination of control, competence and corruption makes things tick along in any one place. In an ideal world, the work of an authority figure should be like the work of a Hollywood movie editor. Their job is to keep the story running smoothly and cohesively, and if they’ve done their job correctly then you shouldn’t even notice them at all. And that’s all that I’m going to say about that.
I’m writing this as a “long-term foreigner”, but that’s the stealth phrase that I’m using for the word “immigrant”. Whether or not you relate to either identity, I hope that reading this helps you give a little extra grace to the foreigners in your midst.
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Sixty in Sicily
I will never tire of seeing how people react when they learn of my husband's age. There's usually a mixture of shock, confusion, joy and jealousy. And now the game just got even better...
We concluded our epic two-week Italian trip with a 'Sixty in Sicily' celebration. Happy birthday Denny, and a massive thanks to everyone who could share the occasion with us. 🫶🥰
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Disney Anniversary
This was the moment I joined the surprise celebration to mark Denny’s 30th official year working at Disney. 😮
Very grateful to his amazing team for conspiring to bring me backstage. And very proud of Denny for reaching such an incredible milestone. 🥰
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Six Doors Away
I lived six doors away from this boy until the age of 18. He had a ginger cat called Rex who could climb up the wallpaper with his claws, but not climb down again. We played Sonic the Hedgehog on his Sega Mega Drive. He had a little sister called Suhasini, who liked Boyzone. Their house smelt like chai latte. My house smelt like pork goulash. At mine we played Monopoly and Scrabble: here’s photographic evidence from August 1993 - I was already 16 years old but still looked 12. I wasn’t very popular at school. I can’t speak for Amrish, but I don’t think he was either. So it was good to have a default buddy to fall back on when we had nothing else to do at the weekend. I remember one day spending eight hours at the North Harrow Superbowl. They must’ve had a special summer daytime deal, we bowled until our fingers were raw. Otherwise I remember mostly going to the St. Ann’s Shopping Centre in Harrow-on-the-Hill. We watched movies and bought electronics and cheap clothes.
Then we didn’t see eachother for the next thirty years. We kept in touch electronically, and shared a passion for travel. Out of the blue I got an invite to his wedding. I was amazed and touched to receive it. I knew I probably couldn’t go, since I had no plans to be in London at that time. So I sent an immediate reply to apologise. But then I realised… there was actually nothing stopping me making the trip. And so here I am. This is the reason for my trip. I want to celebrate Amrish’s wedding to Anna. And I want to thank him for being an old friend.
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Classic Jacket Potato
Happy Valentine’s Day everyone. This year we eschewed the fancy restaurants and opted for a cosy evening at home. We made jacket potatoes, to remind us of a classic meal we made many times during the food-scarce days of the Shanghai lockdown. (And also because Americans find it kinda hilarious that British people call baked potatoes “jacket potatoes”.) 🧥🥔
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Measuring Life By The Zodiac
新年快乐 • 恭喜发财 • 蛇年大吉
🧧🎊🧧🎊🧧🎊🧧🎊🧧🎊
Happy Lunar New Year from Shanghai!
I was born in the Year of the Snake, so this is my year. But contrary to what you might expect, this is seen as bad luck rather than good. So it’s customary in China that you should wear red underwear (ideally gifted to you by someone else) to ward off the evil spirits during the festival season. We’re hoping that the snake hats make it doubly auspicious… 🐍🐍
Silly costumes aside, there’s something quite useful about measuring life in the twelve-year phases of the zodiac. For me that’s four phases of twelve, and here’s how I now look back at them.
0-11: A Happy Childhood.
A perfect start to life, surrounded by love, culture and privilege. Not much self-realisation, apart from maybe figuring out that I looked babyish and could get my way by acting adorable. Quite a useful skill to take into adulthood, although I must report massively diminishing efficacy in recent years.
12-23: Sleepwalking Through Adolescence.
Supremely awkward and obsessive phase, spent obliviously grieving the loss of my mother while distracting myself with academia and TV. Fortunate to drop out of a career in law and run away to distant distant Japan, from where I could start to make sense of life so far.
24-35: Stumbling into Success.
After a stint back in Europe, returned to Asia and started to cement my identity here. Realising that my slightly weird disposition didn’t gel well with regular employment, was open to new things and discovered the right career at the right time. But despite the (unconvincing) appearance of strength and status, was still emotionally immature and vulnerable, easily abused and manipulated.
36-47: Self-Actualisation.
For the first time since childhood, becoming aware that I have the right to demand happiness for myself. No coincidence that this phase maps directly onto meeting - and marrying - the happiest person I’ve ever known. A phase of living in the moment, and embracing an inherent need for curiosity, connection and challenge. And eating snacks on the couch.
I don’t believe in the zodiac. But I do appreciate rituals like this which make you interrupt your routines and take stock of your place in the world. Or rather, your place in yourself. 👶🏻👦🏻👨🏻👨🏻🦳👴🏻
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Shameless in Seattle
It’s been seven years since we were last in Seattle together with our families. So it’s been great to be back again to spend Christmas with our adoptive family, as well as a bunch of other new PNW pals. And a quick detour through San Diego beforehand made the trip complete.
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Christmas in the Maldives
It’s not that easy to island-hop through the Maldives, because all the seaplanes fan out from the capital city, Malé. So once you’re at your resort island, you’re pretty much stuck there. As a restless traveler who bores easily, this was a bit of a concern. But as a restless traveler who also a) dislikes sand, lotion, and the mixture of sand and lotion; b) burns to a crisp after five minutes in the sun; c) usually avoids being in and out of water because of the constant juggle between contact lenses, glasses, sunglasses and prescription sunglasses; d) has yet to find a flip-flop that doesn’t chafe; e) has yet to find a swimming trunk that doesn’t chafe; f) is terrified of the open sea; and g) is even more terrified of spending money indulgently, I didn’t know which concern concerned me the most. So in the end, I decided not to worry about any of them.
🤓 Maldives Facts 🤓
🇲🇻 It’s the world’s flattest and lowest-lying country. 80% is only 1 metre above sea level, and the highest point stands at a whopping… 2 metres.
🇲🇻 It has the world’s highest national divorce rate. On average, a woman in the Maldives has divorced three times before the age of 30.
🇲🇻 The word ‘atoll’ comes from the Maldives. An atoll is a ring-shaped series of islands or reefs surrounding a lagoon. The Maldives consists of 1,192 coral islands grouped in a double chain of 26 atolls.
🇲🇻 Many of the smaller islands have a single purpose. For example one is a trash dump; another is for oil storage; another holds the prison.
🇲🇻 The alphabet used in the Maldives is called Dhivehi, and it’s unique. It looks like this: .ދިވެހި އަކުރު ތަފާތު ވެއެވެ. ހީވަނީ މިހެންނެވެ
🇲🇻 The Maldives is one of the world's most geographically dispersed countries. Many inhabitants on the very smallest islands have little contact with the outside world.
🇲🇻 All the famous white-sand beaches in the Maldives are the result of undigested reef material eaten by parrotfish.
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250,000 Downloads
I want to take this opportunity to mark the halfway point of Season 03 of the Mosaic of China podcast, and to celebrate surpassing 250,000 downloads since the project’s launch in 2019.
Thank you to all fifteen guests of the season so far, I look forward to releasing the next fifteen episodes over the coming weeks and months ahead. And thank you to each and every listener to the show, it has been my pleasure to be part of your cohort.
To mark the occasion, I’ve released a special bonus episode of the show featuring the one and only Denny Newell. To listen, search for 'Mosaic of China' on your favourite podcasting platform, or head to: https://mosaicofchina.com/season-03-bonus-codependency.
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The Mosaic of China Podcast Enters its Third Season
Like many of us in Shanghai, I’ve been feeling thoroughly displeased for the last few months. But I’ve decided that it’s time to come out of mourning for ‘life before COVID-Zero’ and to start living again. Or at least to enjoy whatever window of freedom we have been granted for this moment.
Luckily, I found 200 people who felt the same way, and we gathered in Shanghai to celebrate the Season 03 launch of the Mosaic of China podcast. With a fantastic slate of 30 new guests coming up over the next 30 weeks, this season is the reminder we all needed that there are still some amazing people under our noses, representing 30 unique perspectives on what it’s like to live and work in China. A true Mosaic.
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The Christmas Entourage
We welcomed Christmas Cheer, but she then invited her friend Christmas Gluttony, who in turn brought along her cousins Christmas Shame and Regret. Those cousins didn’t think much of our home-made egg nog.
Now we need to meet up with Christmas Gym and Christmas Diet, those needy and pathetic acquaintances that we can never seem to shake off. 😤
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Milestone Anniversary
5 years married. 💍💙
We celebrated the day by picking pu’er tea in the hills of Xishuangbanna, the area where China borders Myanmar and Laos. More photos/videos to come..!
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The Slump Behind The Smile
I’m not going to lie, I’ve been in a massive slump these last few weeks. Lethargy; brain-fog; inattentiveness: the works. 🌧😵💫
I wouldn’t say I’m out of the slump yet. But I’m grateful that the last few days coincided with Thanksgiving, an early Christmas dinner, and the first night of Chanukah. These three evenings allowed us to share the company of some lovely humans, and made me feel a little more reconnected. ❤️🦃🎅🕎
I’m sure I’m not the only one feeling this way. So rather than just share a bunch of happy photos, I wanted to be honest about my emotional state behind them. As we approach the end of the year, let me remind you to please take care of yourself, and - if you have the capacity - those around you. 👫👬👫
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100,000 Downloads
A big thank you to everyone who helped Mosaic of China achieve its 100,000th download at the beginning of this month.
It's still a modest project, but I'm grateful for every single person who has taken the time to engage with these stories.
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Mosaic of China Season 02 Begins
I spend most of my time either a) scuttling between coffee shops and a tiny recording studio 🦀 or b) holed up at home, editing audio in my loungewear. 🦨
So it was lovely to bring together 100 people to celebrate the upcoming launch of the new season of the Mosaic of China podcast. A huge thanks to everyone who came, you have made this project come to life. 🥂🥰
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