The Relationships of a "Long-Term Foreigner"
Three Thanksgiving meals in three days is a bit too much gratitude. But I do feel lucky getting to spend time with these lovely people in Shanghai. 🫶
Thinking in threes, I’ve recently been ruminating about the three types of relationship that have defined my experience as a “long-term foreigner”.
1) Relationship to locals.
Integrating into local communities is the most basic aspect of life as a foreigner. And yet it’s arguably the trickiest, especially if your partner is also foreign. I’ve been better at this in the past, like when I was young and single in Japan, or when I was an office employee in Singapore. But these days I think I’ve integrated quite poorly. I have a good number of Chinese acquaintances, and I love my everyday interactions with Chinese people of all descriptions. But deep and close friendships? Not many. Not enough. I attribute this to a combination of personal factors. But I could also substitute the word “factors” for the word “excuses”. I need to make more of an effort to nurture these friendships.
2) Relationship to other foreigners.
Belonging to networks of other foreigners is another key element to this long-term lifestyle. Because it’s grounding to match your specific life experience to those around you. Simple as that. And yet what makes these friendships highest in relatability can also be what makes them highest in unpredictability. Many don’t stay in the same place for extended periods. I’m grateful to be able to travel the world and catch up with a diaspora of international friends. But that’s a luxury. The plates that need the most regular spinning are the ones belonging to this category of relationship in Shanghai.
3) Relationship to authority.
At certain points in your existence you need to butt up against the authorities. These interactions are what help you understand the wider society in which you live. And how welcome you are. And what particular combination of control, competence and corruption makes things tick along in any one place. In an ideal world, the work of an authority figure should be like the work of a Hollywood movie editor. Their job is to keep the story running smoothly and cohesively, and if they’ve done their job correctly then you shouldn’t even notice them at all. And that’s all that I’m going to say about that.
I’m writing this as a “long-term foreigner”, but that’s the stealth phrase that I’m using for the word “immigrant”. Whether or not you relate to either identity, I hope that reading this helps you give a little extra grace to the foreigners in your midst.
For the Instagram version, see here.
For the Facebook version, see here.
For the LinkedIn version, see here.
For the Substack version, see here.
High-Functioning ADHD
After putting it off for years now, I finally went to a specialist in Shanghai and got officially diagnosed with ADHD. At this point it came as no surprise to me whatsoever, but that’s because I’ve learnt what high-functioning ADHD actually looks like. So before you jump in with the thought “isn’t everyone attention deficit these days?” (which is exactly how I first reacted), see this list of symptoms. You may think a few of them are relatable. But if, like me, you’re off the scale on all seven, then you might want to embark on the same research journey that has led me here.
1. Overcompensation through perfectionism - using strict organisation systems to cover for inadequacies, and obsessing over small details to avoid mistakes.
2. “All-or-nothing” productivity - alternating between hyperfocus and avoidance. Avoidance (and burnout) often mistaken for mild depression.
3. High creativity and idea generation, coupled with a baseline level of inconsistency - achieving great results but not always on a reliable basis.
4. Strong verbal or social skills - masking inattentiveness or impulsivity by being articulate, charming, or funny.
5. Emotional sensitivity - a hypervigilance to rejection, and also prone to impatience and frustration. Often mistaken for anxiety or mild bipolar.
6. Obsession with fairness - perceiving injustice more frequently and intensely, and showing stronger emotional and behavioural responses.
7. Chronic self-criticism - a sense of “I should be doing better,” despite good external achievements.
In short, I’ve seen it defined as “Someone who appears successful but is secretly exhausted from keeping all the plates spinning. They may not fit the stereotype of hyperactive and distracted, but underneath there’s a lifelong struggle with attention regulation, impulsivity, and time management - hidden behind effort, intelligence, or external structure.”
I still have many of the signs of classic ADHD: the excitability, the irritability, the forgetfulness, the oversharing, the trouble with auditory processing, the intrusive thoughts on constant loop. But this high-functioning version is all about laboriously trying to conform to the norm, and masking the feeling of shame about your true nature. That’s an all-too-familiar feeling for a gay guy who grew up in the eighties. So I’ve decided to “come out” today. To help spread awareness, and also to be totally honest and accountable to myself. Pictured is the trial course of medication I’ve just been prescribed, but I don’t think I’ll continue. Partly because I don’t need to be consistently productive these days, and I’m already regulating myself with a daily dose of self-awareness. But also because China has assigned this drug as a class one controlled substance, requiring regular face and passport scans to procure very small amounts at a time. And you don’t need ADHD to have zero patience for that… 😬
For the Instagram version, see here.
For the Facebook version, see here.
For the LinkedIn version, see here.
Disney Anniversary
This was the moment I joined the surprise celebration to mark Denny’s 30th official year working at Disney. 😮
Very grateful to his amazing team for conspiring to bring me backstage. And very proud of Denny for reaching such an incredible milestone. 🥰
For the Instagram version, see here.
For the Facebook version, see here.
Turtle Power Shower
Yes it’s my neighbour giving her pet turtle a bath. Nothing to see here. 👵🐢🫶
For the Instagram version, see here.
Pride and Prejudice
It’s June, and that makes it Pride Month.
The most visible aspect of Pride are the marches, the celebrations, the rainbows, the silly spectacles. These often elicit eye-rolls and head-shakes. But they’re important symbols of a simple idea: the idea of living visibly, without fear. They’re visible aspects because Pride is about visibility. Visibility promotes familiarity, and familiarity is the best inoculation against hate and fear. That’s why Pride is not a party, and Pride is not a joke. It’s the ability for all of us to be part of public life. To not be threatened by thugs on the street. To not be denied access to employment, shelter or dignity.
Without Pride - without visibility - there’s lack of awareness. However innocent, this lack of awareness leads to ignorance, ignorance then leads to fear, fear to distancing, distancing to othering, and othering to dehumanising. From there it’s very easy for malevolent leaders to victimise us, scapegoat us, menace us. Segregate us, remove us from society, annihilate us. Of course that sounds hysterical, we’re not in 1940s Europe. But the playbook is still lying around in 2025, just waiting to be picked up.
There’s a reason I haven’t specifically mentioned the LGBTQ+ communities in this post. Because there’s somewhere in the world where YOU are the minority. Maybe you’re there right now. Maybe you have to imagine it. Or maybe you experience life as a minority, yet you still victimise others lower down the pecking order. Our leaders can only scapegoat enemies - of whatever identity or persuasion - if we let them. So please don’t be blind to what Pride means for us all in 2025.
For the Instagram version, see here.
For the Facebook version, see here.
For the LinkedIn version, see here.
Barcelona and Location Independence
The biggest change I’ve noticed in Barcelona since I was last here seven years ago is the way its popularity has soared. I don’t mean as a travel destination, we all know about the city’s efforts to clamp down on over-tourism. I mean as a place for people to base themselves for work, especially now that location-independent careers have become more accepted since COVID-19. It’s an incredibly well-connected city, offering a balanced lifestyle, in a permissive culture-rich environment.
On the subject of location-independence, I need to forgo my usual British fake modesty for a second… because we were so far ahead of the curve on this when I co-founded ChapmanCG in 2008. Peripatetic and paperless, we were liable to pop up anywhere in the world, it’s no wonder that I still live these values six years into my retirement from the company. And if that means that for a short while I get to see the people in these photos - including Ben Davies, who we hired into the company 15 years ago - then I don’t yet see a reason to stop.
For the Instagram version, see here.
For the Facebook version, see here.
For the LinkedIn version, see here.
Six Doors Away
I lived six doors away from this boy until the age of 18. He had a ginger cat called Rex who could climb up the wallpaper with his claws, but not climb down again. We played Sonic the Hedgehog on his Sega Mega Drive. He had a little sister called Suhasini, who liked Boyzone. Their house smelt like chai latte. My house smelt like pork goulash. At mine we played Monopoly and Scrabble: here’s photographic evidence from August 1993 - I was already 16 years old but still looked 12. I wasn’t very popular at school. I can’t speak for Amrish, but I don’t think he was either. So it was good to have a default buddy to fall back on when we had nothing else to do at the weekend. I remember one day spending eight hours at the North Harrow Superbowl. They must’ve had a special summer daytime deal, we bowled until our fingers were raw. Otherwise I remember mostly going to the St. Ann’s Shopping Centre in Harrow-on-the-Hill. We watched movies and bought electronics and cheap clothes.
Then we didn’t see eachother for the next thirty years. We kept in touch electronically, and shared a passion for travel. Out of the blue I got an invite to his wedding. I was amazed and touched to receive it. I knew I probably couldn’t go, since I had no plans to be in London at that time. So I sent an immediate reply to apologise. But then I realised… there was actually nothing stopping me making the trip. And so here I am. This is the reason for my trip. I want to celebrate Amrish’s wedding to Anna. And I want to thank him for being an old friend.
For the Instagram version, see here.
For the Facebook version, see here.
Classic Jacket Potato
Happy Valentine’s Day everyone. This year we eschewed the fancy restaurants and opted for a cosy evening at home. We made jacket potatoes, to remind us of a classic meal we made many times during the food-scarce days of the Shanghai lockdown. (And also because Americans find it kinda hilarious that British people call baked potatoes “jacket potatoes”.) 🧥🥔
For the Instagram version, see here.
For the Facebook version, see here.
Measuring Life By The Zodiac
新年快乐 • 恭喜发财 • 蛇年大吉
🧧🎊🧧🎊🧧🎊🧧🎊🧧🎊
Happy Lunar New Year from Shanghai!
I was born in the Year of the Snake, so this is my year. But contrary to what you might expect, this is seen as bad luck rather than good. So it’s customary in China that you should wear red underwear (ideally gifted to you by someone else) to ward off the evil spirits during the festival season. We’re hoping that the snake hats make it doubly auspicious… 🐍🐍
Silly costumes aside, there’s something quite useful about measuring life in the twelve-year phases of the zodiac. For me that’s four phases of twelve, and here’s how I now look back at them.
0-11: A Happy Childhood.
A perfect start to life, surrounded by love, culture and privilege. Not much self-realisation, apart from maybe figuring out that I looked babyish and could get my way by acting adorable. Quite a useful skill to take into adulthood, although I must report massively diminishing efficacy in recent years.
12-23: Sleepwalking Through Adolescence.
Supremely awkward and obsessive phase, spent obliviously grieving the loss of my mother while distracting myself with academia and TV. Fortunate to drop out of a career in law and run away to distant distant Japan, from where I could start to make sense of life so far.
24-35: Stumbling into Success.
After a stint back in Europe, returned to Asia and started to cement my identity here. Realising that my slightly weird disposition didn’t gel well with regular employment, was open to new things and discovered the right career at the right time. But despite the (unconvincing) appearance of strength and status, was still emotionally immature and vulnerable, easily abused and manipulated.
36-47: Self-Actualisation.
For the first time since childhood, becoming aware that I have the right to demand happiness for myself. No coincidence that this phase maps directly onto meeting - and marrying - the happiest person I’ve ever known. A phase of living in the moment, and embracing an inherent need for curiosity, connection and challenge. And eating snacks on the couch.
I don’t believe in the zodiac. But I do appreciate rituals like this which make you interrupt your routines and take stock of your place in the world. Or rather, your place in yourself. 👶🏻👦🏻👨🏻👨🏻🦳👴🏻
For the Instagram version, see here.
For the Facebook version, see here.
For the LinkedIn version, see here.
My Evolving Thoughts on Gentrification
I thought I would write a post on my evolving feelings about gentrification.
Gentrification is undeniably a good thing. But it will come as no surprise to many people reading this that it’s undeniably a bad thing too. When I moved to this area of Shanghai ten years ago, it was full of “useful” shops: little supermarkets, dry cleaners, hardware suppliers. But now all the practical shops are being priced out, replaced by flashy fashion boutiques, expensive coffee shops, and quirky speciality stores designed to appeal to the browsing Chinese tourist. What used to feel like living in a special community can sometimes feel like living in Times Square. I now need to walk a good few blocks to find my nearest key-cutter or greengrocer, and I just lost another local shop to an upcoming… Pingu store.
I guess it’s better than watching your local high street empty out and fall into disrepair, we all know plenty of neighbourhoods like that. But I’m starting to understand the feelings of the outpriced and the overlooked - the original resident who feels outpaced by the March of the Penguins - opinions I might previously have discounted as retrograde. It’s taken living in one place for a decade for me to realise this.
So let this post be my public apology for being so late to the game with this sentiment. And a public lament for all the lost little cafés, jianbing stalls and boba tea shops. The secret’s out about our cute little neighbourhood in Shanghai.
🐧🐧🐧
For the Instagram version, see here.
For the LinkedIn version, see here.
The Merest of Mickeys
Mickey Mouse pays our bills, but he doesn’t live in our house. Until now.
Christmas came early in Shanghai, in the shape of this limited edition bronze sculpture by the artist 徐震 (Xú Zhèn). A mere hint of Mickey to blend into the background… 🫥🐭
For the Instagram version, see here.
For the Facebook version, see here.
Cultural Correlation and Conflation
If you look beyond religion, and approach being Jewish also as a cultural and racial identity (which most do), then there’s a correlation between being Jewish and being Chinese. If you see a Han Chinese person on the street, all you see is their race. You don’t necessarily know if that person is a citizen of the People’s Republic of China. And even if they are, you cannot equate them with the actions of Xi Jinping and the Chinese ruling classes. Likewise being Jewish is not the same as being Israeli, which is also not the same as being Bibi Netanyahu. Yet in both cases it’s extremely common for people to conflate race, nationality and government into one amorphous blob.
Where the analogy ends of course is that you don’t see people calling for the annihilation of all Han Chinese people based on the actions of a government that corresponds to their race. So yeah howzabout we don’t call for the annihilation of anyone as an appropriate response to any government’s treatment of a minority or neighbour. Let’s debate the opposing acts of aggression which led us to this point; the actions of governments or militia purporting to act in our name; and the ways in which we’re all individually complicit or not. But can we at least all agree on the bit about annihilation?
It’s uneasy times for all of us. But for just one day, I forgot these thoughts as I celebrated the Jewish new year with a lovely group of close friends in Shanghai. And with one of their 9-year-old daughters having hand-made challah like this, how could we not have a little hope in our hearts? 🌈 Here’s wishing everyone שָׁנָה טוֹבָה (Shanah Tovah), and I hope we can all find something to celebrate this year. 🙏
For the Instagram version, see here.
For the Facebook version, see here.
Eight Shows in Eight Days
As part of Denny’s job, he really should be keeping abreast of what’s happening on Broadway. So after eight years away from New York, it was only fair that he got to fill his birthday week with eight (yes, EIGHT) Broadway shows. We did four plays, and four musicals. My only request in return was that he did eight ridiculous videos, one outside of each venue. You’re welcome.
Also, here are my ill-informed reviews of each show, listed from my least to most favourite. You’re also welcome.
LEAST FAVOURITE
8 - Harry Potter and the Cursed Child (Play)
Some mesmerising stagecraft, but otherwise just a cynical money-grab with a tiresome storyline and all the spiritual edification of a wet Big Mac. And DO NOT get me started on the excruciating British accents of literally every cast member, I will punch a wall.
GOOD
7 - Hold on to me Darling (Play)
My first time seeing a preview show, so it was interesting seeing the actors still a little shaky with their lines, especially when one of them was Adam Driver. But it was a good play about a man with an over-inflated sense of self-importance who makes a string of questionable life decisions. RELATABLE. Plus we got to see Adam Driver practically naked in his panties.
6 - Oh, Mary! (Play)
Farcical, deranged and silly, this play was the perfect antidote to all the lavish high-production musicals on this list. Personally, I found the general gist of high-status-people-saying-low-status-things a little predictable. But there’s no denying that it was an absolute joy to watch the comedy timing of Cole Escola and the rest of the cast.
5 - Water for Elephants (Musical)
Because it’s not enough for Broadway actors to just act, sing and dance, this show has acrobatics and puppetry too. Can’t help but be enchanted by the whole thing. It’s not higher on my list because while the music and lyrics were OK, they weren’t as inventive or memorable as other musicals.
4 - Suffs (Musical)
If you’re going to put on a conventional musical without too many flashy gimmicks, it had better be pretty much perfect. And this was. Great music, simple yet vibrant scenery, and a story based on women’s suffragists which could be applied to any multi-generational liberal movement.
BEST
3 - Stereophonic (Play, with music)
Yes, it’s a freakishly immersive portrayal of a band trying to record an album in the 70s. But what it’s really about is the frustration, claustrophobia, perfectionism, insanity, tension, euphoria, jealousy, futility and all-round relentlessness of any small-group endeavour. I know that’s too many words, but it was a three-hour play with all those things. And I HARD RELATE.
2 - The Outsiders (Musical)
Visceral and violent, with stunning lighting effects. Then poignant and heartbreakingly beautiful. Transported me straight back to the confused and slightly tormented 13 year-old boy who studied the book in Mr Cliff-Hodges’ English class. Stay gold, Ponyboy…
1 - Hadestown (Musical)
Intimate, so so intimate. Also clever, sexy, funny, the whole spectrum of human emotion that you would expect from a 2,000-year old classical Greek tragedy brought to life. And performed with the kind of talent that can touch your soul with the raise of an eyebrow. Just wow.
For the Instagram version, see here.
For the Facebook version, see here.
Mala and Me
These days it’s not so common for a Global Head of HR to still make time to see me when they pass through Shanghai. So when it happens, I feel the need to celebrate it, especially when they happen to be the fabulous Mala Singh.
We covered a hundred topics over breakfast, and exchanged survival tips on managing the everyday complexities of this multifarious multi-polar world. The only teeny tiny difference between us being that she also manages the worldwide people strategy for Electronic Arts (EA) and the co-parenting of 3 kids, whereas I can barely manage myself.
Thank you so much Mala. And let this also be a guilt-trip to all the other CHROs reading this right now. Do not come through Shanghai without becoming breakfast buddies. ☕️
For the Facebook version, see here.
For the LinkedIn version, see here.
